I can tell you exactly what it is like as it was yesterday. The day I decided to put a stop to the beatings. You see I grew up in a domestic violent environment and for the longest period of time, I believed that there was no escape.
For those from looking from the outside, the word escape is just a 6 letter word easy to spell and also easy to apply. “But why don’t you leave when he goes to work…the door is opened isn’t it”? “Or why don’t you just tell him straight on his face that you are living, shout it?” There are so many well-meaning versions of these questions, but what most of you from the outside don’t have any idea of is that there are two insides that people living in domestic violence experience.
Our first inside is the physical, the room, the environment. How many people are involved in this circle? The second inside is in me internally inside. You may not be aware of just how deep I have internalized the abuses both physically and verbally. Did you know that at one point I decided it was better to behave just like how he describes me?
I know how to cook, but according to him, I am a terrible cook..What do you think I do…I stop cooking and wait for him to give me those “stupid” instructions. That way he feels very proud of himself and thinks great that he is finally teaching me how to cook. Guess what those are bonus violent free hours that I have just acquired. The kids I have spoken with them, we are a team. We “enjoy” dad’s how to cook food and everybody goes to be without having experienced any of his tantrums.
But one day, actually a terrible dull February day I woke up in the morning feeling strange. There was that “survival bag” like the children called it that we packed and kept updating it because each time a new year turned and we continued to live in our personal hell. Yes, that bag in the hidden corner was in my dream and finally, I got the message. The message that I have been ignoring for years.
It was time for me to leave and the decision is definitely mine! I had the control in my hands. Finally, I was able to see the light. I was the one who could make a difference in those children’s life. I saw the fire in my son’s eyes each time he saw the blows land on my face and I knew it would be a matter of time before he did something terrible to help me. Yes I had the control and I took the control in my hands
For the first time in my life, I felt a ton fall of my shoulder. I looked at the shining eyes of my children and my son came and hugged me: “Mum I will take care of you” “I will be there for you and Nancy”. And to imagine that I was staying on because I thought it would be better for the children….